BY INDEPENDENT ARTISTS EVERYWHERE Panda Beard by biotwist Featured ArtistsArtists of the day New Limited Edition RB Stickers: Collect ’em All Featured Artist: Katie CrumptonWin 84 Tour Vintage Tee Do Nothing Vintage Tee Seine Floral Plunge Dress Hart Mock Neck KnitMy own comeuppance happened one night, five years ago. See also: Oscar fashion, grown-up style. I was headed out to a summer dinner wearing a short turquoise T-shirt dress over some perfectly acceptable leggings over some perfectly acceptable legs. My son and his girlfriend stared frankly when I tip-tapped down the stairs in my outfit, thinking I looked quite the bonbon. "It's a cute dress!" my son's pretty girlfriend offered generously. "It would be a cuter dress," my son offered, not so generously but from the heart, "on her." Back in my closet, behind closed doors, and with a sober soul, I faced shelves covered in the garment equivalent of excessive chocolate.

With a firm hand, a firm conscience and a big donation bag, I dispatched everything that could be considered even remotely "cute." When I was finished, to my shock, I didn't feel old. I felt grown up — straight-backed, dignified, a woman in full. The joy of piling up a certain number of years is that you get the freedom to do whatever the hell gets you over the rainbow. It's that we … just shouldn't. And yet, why not? Most of us reading this are in better shape than our grandparents dreamed possible. It is said of certain people that, with a body like that, she can wear anything she wants. But … not really. Consider the leotard-and-lace that Madonna, age 52 years and 6 months, wore to the Oscars. And before you read this clip, granted: A 14-year-old girl would be humiliated if her mother drew breath on the living room carpet wearing a Hillary pantsuit and Trotters — much less on the red carpet. And yet, wasn't this asking for it? Consider also the clothing of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

They're not wearing those 18-inch-long leather skirts and off-the-shoulder peasant blouses for giggles. That's what they actually wear. And though they're chicks, they're not spring chickens. Granted: Tacky is the whole point of The Real Housewives. It's like the nursery rhyme about the purple cow: You'd rather see than be one.Best Cleaner For Very Dirty Bathtub That said, there would be no need for a brand of jeans called Not Your Daughter's Jeans if we hadn't pirated our kids' fashions (music, dance moves, hunky movie heroes). Iphone 5 Wallet Case StandA great friend of mine and I are the same age exactly — which is to say, well and truly over 50. Bathroom Vanity Lights Too HotSomehow, my friend's mother-in-law, a truly regal beauty, has turned out to be younger than we are — at least on her Facebook page.

The other day, she told my friend and me she just bought "the cutest little Jennifer Aniston-ish coat." Gentle reader, what is wrong with this sentence? It's true for me and you and Madonna. And someday, even Jennifer Aniston. The age for thigh-grazing bronze Lurex dresses doth end, and it doth end — yes, even the golden-est girl of all — well before our truly golden years, maybe in our bronze age. Jennifer Aniston could soon find herself toeing the line of parody in gladiator sandals. So, with 50 in the rearview mirror, here are a few — actually quite few — things we should probably never wear again: Juicy sweatpants or anything with writing on the backside, including Hollister (which is the name not just of a clothier but also of a company that makes colonic irrigation supplies). Miniskirts, mini-shorts, anything to wear that's been deliberately diminished. Or deliberately ripped — unless it's you and your muscles.Yes, your daughter can wear them to the prom.

Low-rise pants that showcase low-rise anatomy. In some critical places, more really is more. Super-tight skinny jeans, even if you are both. T-shirts that say "Sexy Grandma," "Vote for Ozzy" or "I Am the Man from Nantucket." The ideal tee should fit well and keep its mouth shut. Thigh-high boots with stiletto heels.Not just for women, here. Maybe especially not just for women. Purses with dogs on them. Purses with dogs in them.This is really true for everyone, of any age, including movie stars.Don't need to say more. Wish I could say less. Seventh Avenue cruiser couture: Underwear labels on the outside. Bra straps on the outside. Jock straps … let's not go there. Pajama bottoms during the day, outside the house. Gold chains with your name on them. Gold chains with anyone's name on them. Although her own fashion sense routinely won her the privilege of being called "Mrs. Robinson," my mother was right about one thing: Taste is something you can buy.

My own closet went from being a garden of gypsy prints to a palette of winter, with a riotous, kicky rainbow ranging from black to lighter black to charcoal and the odd slash of blue, crimson or gold. And yet, wearing smock tops from Forever 21 didn't keep me forever 21. They made me look as though I wished I were. And truth be told, most of the time, I don't. Jacquelyn Mitchard, the best-selling author of 20 books, lives near Madison, Wis., with her family. Her next novel, Second Nature: A Love Story, will be published in September by Random House. Raquel Welch at 70+ Worst states for retirement Visit the AARP home page for style tips, celebrity interviews and more Girl Meets World: Season 3 Episode 12 Maya’s Pow Tee Maya Hart (young) (Ivy George) wears this red and yellow pow printed tee in this episode of Girl Meets World, “Girl Meets […] Girl Meets World: Season 3 Episode 12 Maya’s Studded Boots Maya Hart (Sabrina Carpenter) wears this black and tan studded boots in this episode of Girl Meets World, “Girl Meets Bear”.

Girl Meets World: Season 3 Episode 12 Riley’s Denim Tunic Riley Matthews (Rowan Blanchard) wears this denim blue long length chambray tunic in this episode of Girl Meets World, “Girl Meets Bear”. Girl Meets World: Season 3 Episode 12 Riley’s Black Striped Leggings Riley Matthews (Rowan Blanchard) wears this black vertical striped leggings in this episode of Girl Meets World, “Girl Meets Bear”. Pretty Little Liars: Season 7 Episode 9 Aria’s Printed Jacket Aria Montgomery (Lucy Hale) wears this printed structured jacket in this episode of Pretty Little LIars, “The Wrath of Khan”. Pretty Little Liars: Season 7 Episode 9 Hanna’s Embroidered Sweater Hanna Marin (Ashley Benson) wears this black and green embroidered sleeved pullover sweater in this episode of Pretty Little Liars, “The DArkest […] Pretty Little Liars: Season 7 Episode 9 Paige’s Tan Sneakers Paige McCullers (Lindsey Shaw) wears these tan slip on sneakers in this episode of Pretty Little Liars, “The Wrath of Khan”.

Pretty Little Liars: Season 7 Episode 9 Aria’s Pink Pyjamas Aria Montgomery (Lucy Hale) wears this pink satin cami crop top in this episode of Pretty Little Liars, “The Wrath of Khan”. Watch What Happens Live Watch What Happens Live: September 2016 Bethenny’s White Pleated Crochet Maxi Dress Bethenny Frankel wears this off-white pleated crochet maxi dress on Watch What Happens Live. It is by Self-Portrait. Watch What Happens Live: September 2016 Bethenny’s White Ankle Strap Sandals Bethenny Frankel wears these white ankle strap sandals on Watch What Happens Live. They are the Stuart Weitzman Nudistsong Sandals. The View: September 2016 Sara’s Black Grommet Wide Leg Jumpsuit Sara Haines wears a black wide leg jumpsuit with a gold grommet waist detail in this week’s episode of The View. Good Morning America: September 2016 Amy’s Blue V-Neck Sheath Dress Amy Robach wears this peacock blue v-neck sheath dress in this week’s episode of Good Morning America.

It is the Reiss Jamie […] Good Morning America: September 2016 Ginger’s V-Neck Floral Dress Ginger Zee wears this sleeveless v-neck floral printed dress in this week’s episode of Good Morning America. It is by French Connection. America’s Got Talent: Season 11 Heidi’s Black and White Asymmetric Lace Dress Heidi Klum wears this white dress with an asymmetric black lace neckline on America’s Got Talent. It is the Roland Mouret Clarival Dress. America’s Got Talent: Season 11 Heidi’s Red Asymmetric Spaghetti Strap Dress Heidi Klum wears a red asymmetric spaghetti strap dress on America’s Got Talent. It is by Victoria Beckham. Young and the Restless, The The Young and the Restless: September 2016 Phyllis’ Turquoise Blue Lace Bralette Phyllis Newman Abbott (Gina Tognoni) wears this turquoise blue lace bralette in this week’s episode of The Young and the Restless. The Young and the Restless: September 2016 Victoria’s Black Off-The-Shoulder Dress

Victoria Newman (Amelia Heinle) wears this black off-the-shoulder dress in this week’s episode of The Young and the Restless. It is the […] Live with Kelly: September 2016 Kelly’s Red Silk Flutter Sleeve Dress Kelly Ripa wears this red silk flutter sleeve dress in this week’s episode of Live with Kelly. It is the Etoile Isabel Marant […] The View: September 2016 Jedediah’s White Dress with Black Trim and Flare Sleeves Jedediah Bila is wearing an ivory white dress with black trim and flared sleeves in this week’s episode of The View. The View: September 2016 Candace’s Navy Blue and White Striped Peplum Top Candace Cameron Bure wears this sleeveless navy blue and white striped peplum top in this week’s episode of The View. Good Morning America: September 2016 Ginger’s Blue and Green Jacquard Knit Skirt Ginger Zee wears this navy blue and teal green jacquard knit skirt in this week’s episode of Good Morning America. Good Morning America: September 2016 Ginger’s Green Space Dye Tank Top

Ginger Zee wears a sleeveless green space dye scoop neck tank top in this week’s episode of Good Morning America. Bold and the Beautiful The Bold and the Beautiful: September 2016 Ivy’s Black Lace Up Peplum Top Ivy Forrester (Ashleigh Brewer) wears this sleeveless black lace up peplum top in this week’s episode of The Bold and the Beautiful. The Young and the Restless: September 2016 Chloe’s Black Lace Shirt Dress Chloe Mitchell (Elizabeth Hendrickson) wears this black lace long sleeve shirt dress in this week’s episode of The Young and the Restless. The Young and the Restless: September 2016 Phyllis’ Navy Pleated Pants Phyllis Newman Abbott (Gina Tognoni) wears navy blue pleated wide leg pants in this week’s episode of The Young and the Restless. The Young and the Restless: September 2016 Ashley’s Black Dolman Dress Ashley Abbott (Eileen Davidson) wears this black dolman sleeve dress in this week’s episode of The Young and the Restless.

The Young and the Restless: September 2016 Abby’s Black and White Leaf Dress Abby Newman Rayburn (Melissa Ordway) wears this black and white leaf fit-and-flare dress in this week’s episode of The Young and the […] The Young and the Restless: September 2016 Nikki’s Black Lace Dress Nikki Newman (Melody Thomas Scott) wears this black lace sheath dress in this week’s episode of The Young and the Restless. Mistresses: Season 4 Episode 13 Kate’s Cherry Print Halter Dress Kate Davis (Tabrett Bethell) wears this cherry printed halter ruffle dress in this week’s episode of Mistresses. It is the Cooper and […] Mistresses: Season 4 Episode 13 Kate’s Burgundy Red Floral Dress Kate Davis (Tabrett Bethell) wears this burgundy red floral tie front midi dress in this week’s episode of Mistresses. Mistresses: Season 4 Episode 13 Josslyn’s Plaid Short Sleeve Shirt Josslyn Carver (Jes Macallan) wears this plaid short sleeve shirt in this week’s episode of Mistresses.